pissed

Well, now I’m just pissed. I’m sitting at home, alone and sober. Got everything done that I wanted to get done today, including making a pumpkin loaf, from scratch (including roasting the pumpkin). And now, because I’m sick of the silence, I’d like to get wasted.

It’s kind of been my go-to for dealing with extra time and feelings….. and I know that’s dysfunctional and all, but it’s been my routine. Bad day? Drink. Good day? Drink. Bad feeling? Drink. Good feeling? Drink.

But, NOW, since I’ve decided to take control of my life, all these horrible feelings are surfacing and I have no way of hiding from them. I feel like (andI know this sounds crazy) I’m being punished.

Used to be, if I could just make it until the end of the night, I could get a little reprieve…… but that’s all gone, now. Actually, it’s worse than gone. It’s still there. Any. Time. I. Want.

Every store and restaurant. In every conversation. Every TV show. My Friend. The one I don’t talk to anymore. My Medicine. The kind I’m not allowing myself to have. My Hunger. The one I should never feed.

SO, I’m pissed. Pissed at every person who talks about it and every TV show in which the characters drink and every store that sells it.

But, mostly pissed at myself for allowing myself to get to the point of being dependent on the shit.

It’s like Superman, having to coexist with kryptonite all damn day.

On top of all that, I still haven’t figured out a way to tell people that I don’t drink when I’m out….. so, people who have known me forever are practically pouring the stuff down my throat. New people are less pushy, butI don’t want to seem like a freak.

It’s stupid, I know, in the grand scheme of things, to worry about what people think. I’m not a person who usually cares too much about that…. but this is kinda different.

I used to feel weird around people who didn’t drink….*especially* if I knew the person was an alcoholic. That was literally the only theme of the thoughts in my head when I’d see them at a party – “Oh my God. There he is. Why is he even here if he doesn’t want to drink? I don’t want to be around him with *my* drink…. maybe I’ll just go over here, instead”……I am a very social person and don’t want to be treated like a leper.

I can carry a fake drink, but hate lying to people about what I’m drinking and don’t want to have to explain myself (or heat their take on alcoholism or their rational for drinking) if I don’t lie.

What’s really funny (but not at all funny) is that I truly thought this change would make my life easier.

It’s been a very long week and I know that’s skewing my perspective, but damn.

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