first days

So, I googled how to start a blog and here we are. I’m using this as a kind of journal that I can’t lose….. if anyone else happens upon it and finds some value here that’s a bonus.

I guess I’m an alcoholic. My little sister has expressed some growing concerns over the last few months….so has my shrink.

Went to my first meeting a week ago yesterday. Let me just say that it was super weird. Up to that point, I’d only seen meetings on tv and that doesn’t really prepare you for sitting in a room full of strangers and telling your story. But it was that or continuing to drink away my feelings, which hadn’t really been panning out the way I’d hoped.

I’m an average person. Job, kids, significant other, house, dogs, cat…. the works. But I’ve always had some trouble dealing with shit, you know? I read “Gone with the Wind” in high school and really latched on to Scarlet’s idea of thinking about unpleasant things “tomorrow”. That lead me on a decades-long escape route, which ended up including a lot of alcohol. As it turned out, I could avoid thinking about almost anything once I’d had enough to drink. But lately I’ve started to notice that this “solution” creates other (bigger?) problems.

So, I googled alcoholism (I’m big on googling), took several online quizzes, decided that the results were crafted by joyless, rule-following Buzz-Kills, and attempted to continue living my life. Unfortunately the words describing the “symptoms” kept going through my head – describing what i was doing like a goddam unwelcome narrator. So, I went to a meeting.

Here were all these people, admitting they had a problem, describing their lives before getting sober, and it was like the Ghost of Christmas Future banging on my door. Sure, I wasn’t “as bad” a some of these folks, but the storyline was pretty damn familiar.

So, I took my little coin – basically the participation trophy of just showing up to a meeting – and have just been trying not to drink. So far, so good. It will be 3 weeks this Tuesday. I don’t have the shakes any more and my head is clearing up nicely. But I’m still just trying to fill my time, without alcohol.

There. Is. So. Much. Time. Now.

I guess I didn’t realize how much of my time was spent either drinking or recovering from drinking. The weekends are an eternity now. That’s part of the reason why I am starting this blog. Just to give myself something to do.

It’s going to get easier, I’m told. I’m eating sugar like it’s going out of style (coincidentally, I’m pretty sure that it actually is) and trying to get into “hobbies” (things people do when they don’t drink)…..seems easy, right?

But it’s not. It’s kind of like watching the second hand on a clock in an empty room and telling yourself to *do something* to pass the time.

I do know one thing – my house is going to be SO FREAKING CLEAN.

Signed up to volunteer with a dog rescue group, but I’m not on the schedule yet.

My poor kids are getting way more attention than they’re used to….. not sure if they like it or not (2 are teenagers, so that’s a whole thing in itself).

The good news is that my fiancĂ©e (who also drinks quite a bit) has been really supportive. Pretty sure he thinks this is just a phase I’m going through, but it still helps to have him on board.

More later.


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